Dead Ashley is a Punk Rocker
by Miss Wallflower
Summary: This is a sequel to And Tzeitel's in the Barn... MILKING. It's equally insane, equally random, and completely written on a caffeine high
1. Introductory Crap

And Tzeitel is in the Barn. MILKING 2: Dead Ashley is a Punk Rocker  
  
Author: NoPhotosPlease (with help from PurplePolkaDot21)  
  
Genre: Humor/Insanity (  
  
Rating: PG-13 for romantic encounters (if you could call them that)  
  
Filter: Miscellaneous Crossovers  
  
Summary: Princess Leia is now ruling over Happyland. Princess Mia is making an evil plan to kill her. Sandy has custody of all three of her children and is in a relationship with Austin Powers that won't last long when he decides he'd rather be with Storm. Ginny, Kim and Hermia make friends with Gerda and try to be the new Pink Ladies. Jack Sparrow moves from woman to woman. Paris teaches Serena how to play the piano and Monica baby-sits Rini. Tzeitel is still in the barn milking. And the ghosts of the Olsen twins are having fun in the afterlife. Yes, Happyland is still certainly fascinating.  
  
Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own Gilmore Girls, The Swan Princess, My Little Pony, Sailor Moon, The Snow Queen, X-Men, Bye Bye Birdie, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Harry Potter, Legally Blonde, the Olsen twins, Fiddler on the Roof, Austin Powers, Star Wars, The Princess Diaries, The Magic Flute, Friends, Rocky Horror, Rugrats, Full House, Little Shop of Horrors, Grease, Pirates of the Caribbean, or Hello Kitty.  
  
Author's Note: Howard St. is the school I attend. Those are real people, and apart from the part about Princess Mia, we did really go on a field trip to Juvie Hall once.  
  
*****  
  
Characters  
  
Sammy, the fattest cat in the world from Gilmore Girls- In this installment, Sammy is still a fat, pompous British cat, and he still lives at Janet's house, and he still hangs out with Odette and Cupcake.  
  
Odette, the Swan Princess from The Swan Princess- In this installment, Odette is revealed to have a rather high-pitched voice and she is friends with Sammy and Cupcake and lives at Janet's.  
  
Cupcake from My Little Pony- In this installment, Cupcake still doesn't like to pull people around, lives at Tzeitel's and is friends with Sammy and Odette.  
  
Sailor Moon/Serena from Sailor Moon- In this installment, Serena has graduated from Internet College and decides to take piano lessons from Paris. She and Paris help Storm save the world. She is still whiny and a crybaby and Rini's mommy/cousin/too complicated a family history to get into and she still lives in a church with Rini.  
  
Rini from Sailor Moon- In this installment, Rini moves from the little kid's class to the big kids' class at school. Gerda is no longer her babysitter, now Monica is her babysitter. She is still whiny and bratty. She still lives in a church with Serena.  
  
Gerda from The Snow Queen- In this installment, Gerda doesn't have to baby- sit Rini any more. Instead she becomes friends with Kim, Hermia and Ginny, and they help her talk to her boyfriend Kai over the telephone. And they become the new Pink Ladies. In the new Pink Ladies Gerda is Jan. She lives in Janet's mansion.  
  
Storm from X-Men- In this installment, Storm starts going out with Austin Powers. She still teaches at the Happyland School. She makes cookies for the non-existent bake sale. She discovers Princess Mia's evil plan and she, Serena and Paris save the world. She now lives in half of a duplex with Paris because since the Olsen twins died the Princesses and the Queen got their castle, so she took Princess Leia's place in Paris's duplex.  
  
Kim MacAfee from Bye Bye Birdie- In this installment, Kim returns to Happyland cause her parents think it's a boarding school. She, Hermia and Ginny become friends with Gerda and they become the new Pink Ladies. In the new Pink Ladies Kim is Rizzo. She still loves the telephone. She still lives in half of a duplex with Audrey.  
  
Hermia from A Midsummer Night's Dream- In this installment, Hermia returns to Happyland cause her parents think it's a boarding school too. She, Ginny and Kim become friends with Gerda and they become the new Pink Ladies. In the new Pink Ladies Hermia is Marty. She is sort of the brashest of their little group. She lives in Janet's mansion.  
  
Ginny Weasley from Harry Potter- In this installment, Ginny returns to Happyland cause her parents think it's a boarding school too (conveniently, Hogwarts has been forgotten about). She, Kim and Hermia become friends with Gerda and they become the new Pink Ladies. In the new Pink Ladies Ginny is Frenchie. She and Harry are now married and Ginny finds that great. She lives in Janet's mansion.  
  
Elle Woods from Legally Blonde- In this installment, Elle is still blonde and pink and preppy and stuff. She eventually hooks up with Jack Sparrow. She lives in Janet's mansion.  
  
Paris Geller from Gilmore Girls- In this installment, Paris decides that she will teach Serena how to play the piano, and she does. She helps Serena and Storm save the world. She shares half of a duplex with Storm.  
  
Mary-Kate Olsen- In this installment, Mary-Kate has died and now is a ghost. She haunts the castle where she used to live and haunts Austin Powers.  
  
Ashley Olsen- In this installment, Ashley has died and now is a ghost. She haunts the castle where she used to live and decides to become a punk rocker. She makes friends with Punk Hello Kitty.  
  
Tzeitel from Fiddler on the Roof- In this installment, Tzeitel is still in the barn. Milking. She and Austin aren't married anymore.  
  
Austin Powers from Austin Powers- In this installment, Austin starts out with Sandy, but dumps her for Storm, and then has a fling with Audrey before settling with Monica. His place of residence changes with his girlfriend.  
  
Princess Leia from Star Wars- In this installment, Princess Leia is ruling Happyland. She lives in the castle with Princess Mia and the Queen of the Night. She has a fling with Jack Sparrow. Everyone is using her cause she's the new Queen of Happyland even though she's still called Princess Leia.  
  
Princess Mia from The Princess Diaries- In this installment, Princess Mia is sad because she's not the queen. She lives in the castle with Princess Leia and the Queen of the Night. So she starts to develop a plan to assassinate Princess Leia. But Storm catches her and she goes to Juvie.  
  
The Queen of the Night from The Magic Flute- In this installment, the Queen of the Night isn't the queen of Happyland anymore so she goes on vacation to Barbados.  
  
Monica Geller from Friends- In this installment, Monica drives her Porsche around some more and gets a job as Rini's babysitter. Then she finally has a fling with Jack Sparrow but he dumps her and she baby-sits Rini some more before ending up with Austin.  
  
Janet Weiss from Rocky Horror- In this installment, Janet is no longer with Austin, so she misses Brad, Frankie and Rocky some more. She then has a fling with Jack Sparrow cause he pretends he's Brad, but then she finds out he isn't Brad and feels sad. But then she becomes a metaphorical older sister to Kim, Hermia, Ginny and Gerda and tells them her story over and over. She lives in her mansion!  
  
Tommy from Rugrats- In this installment, Tommy has no catch-phrase. He lives in a pastel house.  
  
Michelle from Full House- In this installment, Michelle says "You got it, dude!" She lives in a pastel house.  
  
The Changeling Boy from A Midsummer Night's Dream- In this installment, the Changeling Boy isn't relevant at all. He lives in a pastel house.  
  
Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors- In this installment, Audrey starts out with Jack Sparrow, but Jack Sparrow dumps her and she has a fling with Austin. Then she swears off men and starts a club with Sandy for people who have been dumped by Jack Sparrow and Austin. She lives in half of a duplex with Kim.  
  
Sandy from Grease- In this installment, Sandy is dumped by Austin Powers and swears off men to focus on her children, Tommy, Michelle and the Changeling Boy, and her career as a teacher. She and Audrey start a club for people who have been dumped by Jack Sparrow and Austin. She lives in a pastel house with her children.  
  
Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean- In this installment, Jack Sparrow starts out with Audrey, dumps her, has a fling with Monica, tries to go out with Princess Leia so he can be the prince/king, but she dumps him, and then he has a fling with Janet and pretends he's Brad, and then he goes with Elle.  
  
Narrator 1 and Narrator 2- Two crazy teenage girls helping to tell the story. They giggle a lot and are often very caffeinated.  
  
CAMEOS:  
  
Punk Rocker Hello Kitty from Hello Kitty- She is the punk rock version of Hello Kitty and becomes friends with the ghost of Ashley when Ashley turns punk.  
  
Penelope-Ann from Bye Bye Birdie- She is Kim's friend and you only hear her over the telephone. She loves pogo-sticks and hates Harvey Johnson.  
  
Grandmother from The Snow Queen- She is Gerda's grandmother and you only hear her over the telephone.  
  
Kai from The Snow Queen- He is Gerda's boyfriend and you only hear him over the telephone.  
  
AND THE CHARACTERS IN THE JUVIE HALL DREAM SCENE  
  
Maren- She is petite with brown hair and an athletic personality. She is always very happy and energetic.  
  
Jack- He is a strangely nice boy who hangs out with girls in this scene.  
  
Joi- She is about 5' even with black hair. She loves the color purple and she likes penguins and she loves musicals.  
  
Micaela- She is about 5'4" or 5'5" with brown hair. She is sane, likes to read, and can be obsessive or no as the moment strikes her.  
  
Brynna- She is about 5'6" or 5'7 with dirty-blonde hair. She is sometimes sane, loves 80's cartoons and loves referencing things at random times.  
  
Jen- She is sort of short but not that short and has long dirty-blonde hair. She loves fantasy movies, is oddly pure, and has a good sense of humor.  
  
Mrs. Cobb- She has short blonde hair and is the teacher.  
  
The Judge- She is a judge. Enough said.  
  
Judge's Assistant- She is the judge's assistant.  
  
And now ladies and gentlemen welcome to our insanity! Again! 


	2. Return to Happyland

Scene One- Return to Happyland  
  
(scene begins pitch black.)  
  
Both Narrators: (breathy and trancey, like airline stewardesses) Come back to Happyland.  
  
Narrator 1: (breathy and trancey as before) Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.  
  
Narrator 2: (breathy and trancey as before) The captain has turned on the no-smoking sign.  
  
Narrator 1: (breathy and trancey as before) The air bags are located in the upper right-hand corner.  
  
Narrator 2: (breathy and trancey as before) Enjoy your flight.  
  
(the black fades to view of Happyland.)  
  
Narrator 1: (camera pans over to CLOSE UP: SANDY's house. SANDY is in the front yard with AUSTIN POWERS, TOMMY, MICHELLE and the CHANGELING BOY. SANDY and AUSTIN are talking flirtatiously and the children are playing on the playground.) And here we go back to Sandy's house.  
  
Narrator 2: Sandy and Jack Sparrow are not together anymore. Sandy has hooked up with Austin Powers, who has decided to not be with Janet cause she was too square of a cat, so now he's with Sandy.  
  
Narrator 1: And Sandy did get custody of the Changeling Boy. (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: CHANGELING BOY.) And Michelle. (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: MICHELLE.) And Tommy. (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: TOMMY.)  
  
Narrator 2: Clearly.  
  
Narrator 1: (as the camera pans to JANET's mansion.) Anyway. Back to Janet's mansion.  
  
Narrator 2: Where Janet is still doing her make-up. (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: JANET doing her make-up.)  
  
(CUT TO: CLOSE UP: GERDA.) And Gerda does not have to be Rini's babysitter anymore, because Serena quit internet college, cause she graduated.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: SAMMY.) And there's Sammy, who' still  
  
Both Narrators: The fattest cat in the world.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: HERMIA and GINNY exercising.) And there's Ginny and Hermia.  
  
Narrator 2: They've returned to Happyland cause their parents thought it was a boarding school. And they wanted them to go to boarding school even though Ginny got married to Harry.  
  
(CUT TO: ELLE.) And Elle.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: MONICA in her Porsche. There is a carriage next to her.) And Monica, who got the inheritance of a carriage.  
  
Narrator 2: From her uncle. Who died. His name was  
  
Narrator 1: Sam.  
  
Narrator 2: Yes. Monica's uncle Sam died.  
  
(CUT TO: AUDREY.) And here's Audrey and Jack Sparrow. They have hooked up.  
  
Narrator 1: For now.  
  
Narrator 2: Cause Jack Sparrow was drunk. And hallucinating flowers.  
  
(CUT TO: Psychedelically colored flowers swirling around.)  
  
Both Narrators: Pretty flowers, ooh...  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: KIM on the telephone.) And there's Kim, who's on the phone with...  
  
Narrator 2: Helen. And she is also back cause her parents wanted her to go to boarding school.  
  
(CUT TO: STORM in a pool at PARIS's house.)  
  
Narrator 1: And there's Storm, who moved in with Paris.  
  
Narrator 2: Cause since the Olsen twins died, Princess Leia and Princess Mia and the Queen of the Night moved into the castle. And the Olsen twins' ghosts are still there. (CUT TO: The castle. PRINCESS LEIA, PRINCESS MIA, and THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT are there, as are the ghosts of MARY-KATE and ASHLEY.)  
  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn. Milking.)  
  
Narrator 1: And then there's Tzeitel in the barn.  
  
Both Narrators: MILKING.  
  
Narrator 1: And then of course, there's Rini and Serena over there in their church. (CUT TO: RINI and SERENA in their church.)  
  
Narrator 2: Anyway... 


	3. School Time is Cool Time Sort Of

SCENE TWO- School Time is Cool Time... Sort Of  
  
(CUT TO: the Happyland school. All of the children who attended last time are there, with the exception of the Olsen twins, since they're dead. DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, DEAD.)  
  
Narrator 1: And now we go back to the Happyland school, where Sandy is happily teaching her four students.  
  
Narrator 2: Yes, her three children and Rini. (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: SANDY teaching TOMMY, MICHELLE, the CHANGELING BOY, and RINI.)  
  
Narrator 1: About, um...  
  
(CUT TO: STORM teaching GINNY, KIM, HERMIA and GERDA.)  
  
Narrator 1: And Storm.  
  
Narrator 2: Storm has decided to let Ginny take over the class for the day. (GINNY gets out of her desk and takes her place at the front of the classroom.)  
  
Narrator 1: So she can teach magic. (Suddenly all the students have wands.)  
  
Ginny: Everyone, swish and flick. (Everyone uses their wands to swish and flick.)  
  
Kim, Hermia and Gerda: (chorusing as they swish and flick) Swish and flick.  
  
Ginny: Now say "wingardium leviosa".  
  
Kim, Hermia and Gerda: Wingardium leviosa.  
  
Ginny: Now do both at the same time.  
  
Kim, Hermia and Gerda: (swishing and flicking with their wands) Wingardium leviosa.  
  
Narrator 2: They learned this... not very quickly.  
  
Narrator 1: (very seriously) Because they didn't have any magic powers.  
  
Narrator 2: They were just sort of learning it.  
  
Ginny: And now we have the history of magic. (begins to lecture about the history of magic)  
  
Narrator 1: This droned on for about five more hours.  
  
(A sign appears saying "FIVE HOURS LATER")  
  
Ginny: Swish and flick. Got it?  
  
Kim: (raises her hand) We've been over this for like five hours.  
  
Ginny: You're my friend, shut up.  
  
Kim: (Offended) Fine, well, I'm voting for Princess Mia.  
  
Ginny: You do that...  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY's class.)  
  
Narrator 2: And meanwhile Sandy had a very important announcement to make.  
  
Sandy: (to her class) Everybody, pay attention. Pay close attention. We're having a bake sale! (overly ecstatic over a stupid bake sale.) To raise money.  
  
Tommy, Michelle, and the Changeling Boy: Ooh, yay!  
  
Rini: (rolls her eyes) I'm depressed.  
  
Michelle: You got it, dude.  
  
Sandy: Anyway we're having a bake sale. So everyone bring your parents. (stops, realizes she is the parent of three of her four students. To RINI) Rini, bring Serena. And BUY COOKIES. Buy lots and lots of cookies. (hypnotically) Buy cookies, buy cookies...  
  
(SANDY goes into STORM's classroom)  
  
Sandy: Everybody... (sees GINNY) Ginny, why are you teaching the class? (shrugs, to STORM) Have you told them yet? (STORM shakes her head no.) Ok, then I will. (to the class, GINNY has returned to her seat) Everyone, we're having a bake sale this Thursday.  
  
Hermia: (raises her hand) Thursday? How many days is that in?  
  
Sandy: Three.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny and Gerda: (exclaiming, to each other) Three days?!?!?! Three days?!?!?!? Etc. etc. Three days! Oh my god. Three days!  
  
Narrator 1: They all jumped with antici...pation cause the bake sale was in three days.  
  
Narrator 2: Over in Tzeitel's barn, she heard them saying three days and joined in.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, Gerda and Tzeitel: (exclaiming to each other) Three days?!?!?! Three days?!?! We have to be out in three days?!?!?! Those stupid Russians.  
  
Narrator 2: Tzeitel said that last part about the Russians, cause she was still sad the Russians made her family leave Anatevka in three days.  
  
Sandy: And Rini gets to move up to the big kid class, cause you've learned enough in the little kids class. (RINI gets excited and runs out of the little kids class into the big kids class.)  
  
Rini: Yay! Wingardium leviosa! (pronounces it wrong.)  
  
Ginny: You're saying it wrong. It's "wingardium leviosa". (pronounces it correctly) Swish and flick.  
  
Rini: Oh, shut up.  
  
Ginny: Alohamora!  
  
(something explodes)  
  
Ginny: I think we'll need another feather. (anime sweat drop)  
  
Storm: Ok, not funny. 


	4. Serena Takes Piano Lessons From Paris

SCENE THREE- Serena Takes Piano Lessons from Paris  
  
(cut to: SERENA in her church alone.)  
  
Narrator 2: Meanwhile, while Rini was at school, Serena was bored because she graduated from internet college.  
  
Serena: I have nothing to do. (sighs)  
  
Narrator 2: She sighed. Then she had an idea.  
  
Serena: (lightbulb) I have an idea!  
  
Narrator 2: This was her idea.  
  
Serena: I have an idea!  
  
Narrator 2: Her idea was to take piano lessons.  
  
Serena: I think I'll take piano lessons. Who teaches piano? I think Paris does.  
  
(PARIS appears in SERENA's house.)  
  
Paris: Did someone say my name?  
  
Serena: I was just wondering if you taught piano lessons.  
  
Paris: I sure do teach piano!  
  
Serena: Can you teach me?  
  
Paris: Do you have a piano?  
  
Serena: Yeah.  
  
Paris: Let's go Barbie go. (stops) No, let's start in three days.  
  
(KIM, HERMIA, GINNY, GERDA and TZEITEL appear.)  
  
Kim, Hermia, Ginny, Gerda and Tzeitel: Three days!?!?!? Three days?!?! Out in three days?!?!? Etc. etc.  
  
Tzeitel: Those stupid Russians.  
  
(they disappear)  
  
Paris: I'll teach you today then. Why did a bunch of people appear and say three days?  
  
(KIM, HERMIA, GINNY, GERDA and TZEITEL appear.)  
  
Kim, Hermia, Ginny, Gerda and Tzeitel: Three days!?!?!? Three days?!?! Out in three days?!?!? Etc. etc.  
  
Tzeitel: Those stupid Russians.  
  
(they disappear)  
  
Paris: Just go.  
  
Narrator 1: Then Rini came home from school.  
  
Rini: (enters, as PARIS teaches SERENA how to play the piano) I'm home from school!  
  
Serena: We're too busy for you right now, Rini. I'm learning how to play the piano. (sings as she goes up the scale) A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H... there is no H on the piano. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, A, B, C, D, E, F, G...  
  
(background music begins to play and SERENA, RINI and PARIS get in a kickline)  
  
Serena, Rini, Paris: (singing) Do, a deer, a female deer. Re, a drop of golden sun. Mi, a name I call myself. Fa, a long long way to run. So, a needle pulling thread. La, a note to follow so. Ti, a drink with jam and bread. That will bring us back to do, do, do, do...  
  
(music stops)  
  
Paris: Rini needs a babysitter again.  
  
Serena: Oh, crap.  
  
Narrator 1: So Serena called Monica, who drove over in her Porsche.  
  
(MONICA drives over in her Porsche)  
  
Monica: I'll baby-sit Rini.  
  
Rini: (whiny) I don't want a babysitter!  
  
Serena: Too bad.  
  
(the front doors open in the church for no reason)  
  
Narrator 1: (singing) Open the gates and seize the day...  
  
Narrator 2: The day didn't seem like it was being seized though. Rini and Monica went in the tower and existed while Serena learned how to play the piano. 


	5. Austin's New Love

SCENE FOUR- Austin's New Love  
  
(CUT TO: AUSTIN and SANDY in SANDY's yard.)  
  
Narrator 1: Meanwhile, Sandy was getting tired of Austin not making any income for the family.  
  
Narrator 2: And Austin was getting rather tired of Sandy. Cause he's a pervert.  
  
Narrator 1: And a...  
  
(annoying bleep-out noises sound indicating a curse word being said)  
  
Narrator 1: So they broke up. And Austin Powers went over to Storm's house. (AUSTIN walks over to STORM's house.)  
  
Austin: (to STORM) Storm? Can I spent the night with you? We can sleep together.  
  
Storm: Sure, Austin.  
  
Austin: (seeing that STORM is in a swimming pool) Ok, let's go swim. (they jump in the pool and go swimming.)  
  
Narrator 2: So they swam. In a pool.  
  
(Very, very faint music plays. It's unclear what it might be, but if you listen very, very closely you can hear the phrase "Don't dream it, be it" repeated over and over again.)  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: later that night, STORM and AUSTIN are in bed together.) Later that night... (MARY-KATE enters in ghost form. Creepy music plays)  
  
Mary-Kate: (being all creepy and ghostly, to AUSTIN, STORM is asleep but AUSTIN is not) I'm coming to haunt you! I'm going to haunt you forever cause you dumped me and then I committed suicide!  
  
Austin: (groggily) Five more minutes, mother.  
  
Mary-Kate: (offended) I'm not your mother. We used to be in love.  
  
Narrator 2: Mary-Kate was sad. She would have killed herself. But she was already dead. (CUT TO: ASHLEY in ghost form sitting on the roof of her castle.) Meanwhile, her sister Ashley was having fun being dead.  
  
Ashley: Ooh. Now I'm dead, I think I'm going to start a rock band.  
  
Narrator 2: Ashley decided she would turn punk for no reason at all. (Magically, ASHLEY's ghost is suddenly attired in punk clothes. Punk rock music begins to play and Ashley begins to mosh-pit.) Ok, now I'm a punk. Ta-ta.  
  
Narrator 1: But Mary-Kate was still sad. She haunted Austin. (more creepy music plays as MARY-KATE haunts AUSTIN.)  
  
Mary-Kate: I'm haunting you, I'm haunting you.  
  
Austin: (sarcastically) I'm so freaking scared. 


	6. The New Pink Ladies

SCENE FIVE- The New Pink Ladies  
  
(CUT TO: HERMIA, KIM and GINNY whispering to each other.)  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA not being included.)  
  
Narrator 1: Gerda was sad. She wasn't their friend.  
  
(CUT TO: HERMIA, KIM and GINNY whispering to each other.)  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA not being included.)  
  
Narrator 1: Gerda was sad. She wasn't their friend.  
  
(CUT TO: HERMIA, KIM and GINNY whispering to each other.)  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA not being included.)  
  
Narrator 1: Gerda was sad. She wasn't their friend.  
  
(CUT TO: HERMIA, KIM and GINNY whispering to each other.)  
  
(CUT TO: GERDA not being included.)  
  
Narrator 1: Gerda was sad. She wasn't their friend.  
  
Storm: OK, we get it.  
  
Narrator 1: Fine. Be that way. (CUT TO: STORM and SANDY talking.) Storm was bragging about her new boyfriend.  
  
Sandy: What's your boyfriend's name?  
  
Storm: Austin Powers! (sighs) Oh, he's so dreamy.  
  
Sandy: (gasps)  
  
Narrator 2: Sandy gasped.  
  
Sandy: Austin and I just broke up last night!  
  
Storm: But Austin and I slept together last night!  
  
Narrator 2: Sandy was mad at Storm.  
  
Sandy: I'm mad at you.  
  
Storm: I'm mad at you.  
  
Sandy, Storm: (to each other) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  
  
Sandy: I'm not talking to you.  
  
Storm: I'm not talking to you. (they turn away from each other with their arms crossed)  
  
Both: Hmph!  
  
Narrator 1: So they walked off, leaving all the schoolchildren to sit there.  
  
Narrator 2: And be in school.  
  
Narrator 1: Kim decided to teach the class.  
  
Kim: (to GERDA, HERMIA and GINNY) I'm going to teach you about telephones! The telephone was invented by Alexander Graham Bell... it's boring teaching you about telephones. Let's sing about them instead.  
  
Ginny: (singing) Hi Hermia!  
  
Hermia: (singing) Hi Ginny!  
  
Ginny: (singing) What's the story, morning glory?  
  
Hermia: (singing) What's the tale, nightingale?  
  
Ginny: (singing) Have you heard about Austin and Storm?  
  
Gerda: (singing) Hi Kim.  
  
Kim: (singing) Hi Gerda!  
  
Gerda: (singing) What's the story, morning glory?  
  
Kim: (singing) What's the word, hummingbird?  
  
Gerda: (singing) Have you heard about Austin and Storm?  
  
Ginny, Hermia, Gerda, and Kim: (singing, dancing in a line, looking at each other) Did they really sleep together? Was it really last night? Did he keep her in bed? Did she put up a fight?  
  
Hermia, Kim: (singing) Well I heard they slept together.  
  
Ginny, Gerda: (singing) Oh yeah.  
  
Hermia, Kim: (singing) I was thinking they would.  
  
Ginny, Gerda: (singing) Oh yeah.  
  
Hermia, Kim: (singing) Now they're living at last.  
  
Ginny, Gerda: (singing) Oh yeah.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny and Gerda: (singing) Sandy and Austin broke up for good! (dancing) Sleeping together, sleeping together, sleeping together, together for good. Sleeping together, sleeping together, sleeping together, together for good. (they pose)  
  
(CUT TO: HERMIA, KIM and GINNY whispering and GERDA standing off to the side, looking sad)  
  
Kim: Have you heard about that Gerda girl?  
  
Hermia: (whispering) Yeah, what's her name, anyway?  
  
Kim: Gerda. Duh.  
  
Hermia: (whispering) Oh yeah. Well, why are we whispering?  
  
Ginny: We're not.  
  
Hermia: (whispering) Ok, then why am I whispering?  
  
Ginny: Cause you're an idiot.  
  
Hermia: Oh. Okay.  
  
Kim: So, did you hear about Gerda?  
  
Hermia: Yeah, she was like Rini's babysitter or something.  
  
Kim: Yeah, how totally lame is that? Nobody baby-sits anymore. That's so five centuries ago. (GINNY rolls her eyes and KIM doesn't notice)  
  
Hermia: She's like fifteen years old and she's like a babysitter. How totally stupid.  
  
Ginny: Yeah. But we have three musketeers, and I want to have four, so we can be... (thinks for a while) the new Pink Ladies.  
  
Kim: Okay! Let's go ask Gerda.  
  
(they go over to GERDA.)  
  
Narrator 2: Gerda felt sad because she wasn't their friend.  
  
Hermia: (to GERDA) Hey, do you want to be our friend?  
  
Narrator 2: (as GERDA does a happy-dance) Gerda felt happy cause she was their friend now.  
  
Ginny: Great! Now we can be the new Pink Ladies!  
  
Kim: Which one do you want to be, Hermia?  
  
Hermia: I'll be Marty, cause I'm a blonde.  
  
Ginny: I'll be Frenchie, cause I'm a redhead.  
  
Gerda: I'll be Jan.  
  
Kim: And I'll be Rizzo!  
  
Ginny: Yay! Now we're the Pink Ladies. Let's go meet in our secret hiding place. (they sneak into JANET's house, where three of them live, and up into the attic, which is their secret hiding place.)  
  
Narrator 1: In their secret hiding place...  
  
Kim: So, Gerda, what are your innermost thoughts and dreams?  
  
Gerda: I want to see my boyfriend Kai again.  
  
Hermia: That's it? That's your biggest dream?  
  
Gerda: Yeah.  
  
Hermia: Well, okay. We'll help you accomplish your goal of meeting your boyfriend Kai again.  
  
Ginny: Let's go eat ravioli.  
  
Narrator 1: So they did. 


	7. The Queen of the Night Goes on Vacation ...

SCENE SIX- The Queen of the Night Goes on Vacation and Jack Sparrow Has Drunken Fun  
  
(CUT TO: Psychedelically colored flowers swirling all over.)  
  
Both Narrators: Pretty flowers, ooh...  
  
(CUT TO: JACK SPARROW and AUDREY in AUDREY's house.)  
  
Narrator 1: Jack Sparrow hallucinated flowers.  
  
Narrator 2: Cause he was drunk.  
  
Narrator 1: On rum.  
  
Narrator 2: Audrey had to leave and go water plants upstairs. (AUDREY leaves.)  
  
Narrator 1: So he ran to Monica's house. (JACK SPARROW runs to MONICA's house. RINI is leaving MONICA's house.)  
  
Rini: Thanks for babysitting me today, Monica.  
  
Monica: No problem, Rini. (RINI leaves. JACK SPARROW enters.)  
  
Jack Sparrow: You baby-sit?  
  
Monica: Rini's mom pays me a lot of money. (making a hasty excuse in case he thinks babysitting is stupid)  
  
Jack Sparrow: You must have a lot of responsibility. (MONICA giggles.) I like that in a girl.  
  
Narrator 2: Monica was still very attracted to Jack Sparrow. And he was drunk. And Audrey wasn't there.  
  
Monica: I love you.  
  
Jack Sparrow: I love you too, um... (it's painfully obvious he doesn't know her name. They get in her Porsche.)  
  
Narrator 1: So they made out in her Porsche.  
  
Narrator 2: Ooh, they're in the Porsche making out.  
  
Narrator 1: Ooh, ah, special.  
  
Narrator 2: But the next day, he had no idea why he was in Monica's Porsche.  
  
Narrator 1: So he went over to Princess Mia, Princess Leia and the Queen of the Night's house. (he goes over to the castle)  
  
Narrator 2: The Queen of the Night was going on vacation to Barbados that day. (THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT gets in her carriage and drives off to Barbados with the PRINCESSES waving good-bye.)  
  
Princess Leia: I'm having fun being the queen.  
  
Princess Mia: Grrr.  
  
Narrator 2: See, Mia thought she was OK with Leia being the queen.  
  
Narrator 1: But she really wasn't.  
  
Narrator 2: (as PRINCESS MIA enters the castle) So she hid in the castle and made evil plans to kill Princess Leia.  
  
Narrator 1: But then Jack Sparrow came along and he decided he wanted to be royalty, so he tried to seduce Princess Leia. (he approaches PRINCESS LEIA, who is playing croquet.)  
  
Jack Sparrow: (to PRINCESS LEIA) Ooh, hi. You're hot.  
  
Narrator 2: Princess Leia was turned on by Jack Sparrow cause she was called hot and that made her happy.  
  
Princess Leia: I think I might like you, Jack Sparrow.  
  
Narrator 2: But Jack Sparrow was just using her to be the king.  
  
Jack Sparrow: Yeah... I like you too. Yeah right.  
  
Princess Leia: (obviously under his charms) Ooh, I love you.  
  
Jack Sparrow: (not believably) I love you too.  
  
Narrator 1: So they made out. (they make out)  
  
Narrator 2: (CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn milking.) And Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
  
Narrator 1: As usual.  
  
Narrator 2: What else is new.  
  
Narrator 1: (CUT TO: JACK SPARROW and PRINCESS LEIA in bed.) So Jack Sparrow spent the night at Princess Leia's house and Princess Mia sat outside and was sad.  
  
Narrator 2: She was sad cause there was nowhere else to sit cause there wasn't. 


	8. Sandy Swears Off Men

SCENE SEVEN- Sandy Swears Off Men  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY sitting by her reflecting pond talking to herself.)  
  
Sandy: You know, I'm really just not into boys right now. I mean, I've been dumped by Jack Sparrow and Austin Powers all within the course of three days.  
  
(KIM, HERMIA, GINNY, GERDA and TZEITEL appear.)  
  
Kim, Hermia, Ginny, Gerda and Tzeitel: Three days!?!?!? Three days?!?! Out in three days?!?!? Etc. etc.  
  
Tzeitel: Those stupid Russians.  
  
(they disappear)  
  
Sandy: And those are the only two boys that even live here. I just think I'm going to swear off of men for a while. And concentrate on my career as a teacher. And my children. Who are coincidentally the only children I teach. I could just homeschool them. No, they need the public school experience. Besides... 


	9. Look, it's the Animals Again!

SCENE EIGHT- Look, It's the Animals Again!  
  
(CUT TO: CUPCAKE pulling SAMMY around in a cart as ODETTE watches.)  
  
Cupcake: You know, I really wish you would get out of my stupid cart, Sammy.  
  
Sammy: (with British accent that he has from now on) I don't want to. Cause I'm a pompous British cat. Fat! I'm a fat pompous British cat.  
  
Cupcake: Are you sitting on a mat?  
  
Sammy: Yes, I'm a fat pompous British cat sitting on a mat.  
  
Cupcake: With a rat?  
  
Sammy: Yes, I'm a fat pompous British cat sitting on a mat with a rat.  
  
Odette: Are you wearing a hat?  
  
Sammy: Yes, I'm a fat pompous British cat sitting on a mat with a rat wearing a hat.  
  
Odette: With a bat?  
  
Sammy: Yes, I'm a fat pompous British cat sitting on a mat with a rat wearing a hat with a bat.  
  
Odette and Cupcake: Imagine that.  
  
(CUPCAKE falls over.)  
  
Odette: Oh my god, Cupcake, you fell over. Are you okay?  
  
Cupcake: Does it look like I'm okay? Yeah, I'm fine. 


	10. Jack Sparrow's Deception

SCENE NINE- Jack Sparrow's Deception  
  
(CUT TO: AUDREY in her house. The phone rings.)  
  
Audrey: I'll get that. I have to, since I'm the only one home. Oh well. (picks up the phone) Hello?  
  
Princess Mia: Hello. (over the phone)  
  
Audrey: Who's this?  
  
Princess Mia: (over the phone) Princess Mia. I'm just calling to tell you that I caught Jack Sparrow in bed with Princess Leia.  
  
Audrey: (gasps) That's why he wasn't here last night!  
  
Princess Mia: (over the phone) No, last night he was with Monica. Today he was with Princess Leia.  
  
Audrey: WHAT! No way. (goes to MONICA's house and slaps MONICA repeatedly.)  
  
Narrator 2: Audrey slapped Monica repeatedly.  
  
(AUDREY starts walking and walks past TZEITEL's house.)  
  
Audrey: Tzeitel? Do you know where anyone is?  
  
Tzeitel: No, I've been in the barn milking all day. (AUDREY continues on her way and goes to the castle.)  
  
Audrey: (to PRINCESS MIA, who she sees outside the castle waiting for her with a devious grin) Okay, you said he was having an affair with whom?  
  
Princess Mia: Princess Leia.  
  
Audrey: Oh, I'm so mad I could kill her. (PRINCESS MIA has a devious grin, as mentioned before, and you can tell this is exactly what she wanted to happen)  
  
Narrator 1: But there was security on the castle so she couldn't kill Princess Leia.  
  
Narrator 2: Instead, Audrey slapped Jack Sparrow. (JACK SPARROW appears in the castle courtyard and AUDREY slaps him.)  
  
Jack Sparrow: (drunkenly) I think I might have deserved that one.  
  
Audrey: No kidding. (slaps him again and again and again and again and again... you get my drift.)  
  
Jack Sparrow: What did I do?  
  
Audrey: Oh, you only slept with another girl. (slaps him again)  
  
Jack Sparrow: (drunkenly) Correction, love, I slept with two other girls. (AUDREY slaps him again and again and again.)  
  
Narrator 1: Audrey walked home. (AUDREY walks home)  
  
(CUT TO: PRINCESS LEIA and JACK SPARROW in bed together.)  
  
Narrator 1: Princess Leia and Jack Sparrow were in bed together. 


	11. Dead Ashley is a Punk Rocker

SCENE TEN- Dead Ashley is a Punk Rocker  
  
(CUT TO: ASHLEY, being a ghost, and being a punk rocker.)  
  
Narrator 2: Dead Ashley- well, Ashley's ghost- was having fun being a punk rocker. (Punk rock music plays and ASHLEY dances around and moshes, screaming things like "rock on" and "mosh pit!")  
  
Ashley: Punk rock, yay! Go punk rock!  
  
(PUNK HELLO KITTY enters.)  
  
Narrator 1: That's her friend.  
  
Narrator 2: Punk Hello Kitty. Punk Hello Kitty wasn't dead, she was just... Punk Hello Kitty.  
  
Punk Hello Kitty: Rock on.  
  
Ashley: Whoo-hoo, par-tay.  
  
Punk Hello Kitty: (to ASHLEY) Let's be punk together.  
  
Ashley: (to PUNK HELLO KITTY) We can form a club.  
  
Punk Hello Kitty: A punk club.  
  
Ashley: And make a salt pillar.  
  
Punk Hello Kitty: How do you make a salt pillar, anyway?  
  
Ashley: I have no idea.  
  
Punk Hello Kitty: Oh, I think I know. You have to melt the salt.  
  
Ashley: Oh, gee, I didn't know that, cause I'm dead.  
  
Punk Hello Kitty: Oh. Okay, I'm going to leave now. C'mon, let's go be punk and rock out.  
  
(PUNK HELLO KITTY and ASHLEY leave.) 


	12. Randomness in the Dark

SCENE ELEVEN- Randomness In The Dark  
  
(the screen is black. You can't see anything. No, not at all.)  
  
Narrator 1: (breathy and trancey) Are you keeping your arms inside the vehicle at all times?  
  
(there is a long pause)  
  
Narrator 1: (breathy and trancey) I don't think you are.  
  
(there is a long pause)  
  
Narrator 2: (doing a creepy voice) Before you die, you see the ring... 


	13. Storm Makes Cookies and Austin and Audre...

SCENE TWELVE- Storm Makes Cookies and Austin and Audrey Make Out  
  
(CUT TO: STORM and AUSTIN in their house.)  
  
Narrator 2: Storm wanted to make cookies, but the kitchen was over in Audrey's half of the duplex, so she went over and asked Audrey if she could use the stove.  
  
Narrator 1: And Austin went with her. Because Austin was pretending he was in love. (AUSTIN and STORM go over to AUDREY's house and knock on the door.)  
  
Audrey: (from inside the house) Who is it?  
  
Storm: It's Austin and Storm. We want to make cookies. Can we use your oven?  
  
Audrey: (lets them in) Sure you can. It's right up there. (STORM and AUSTIN enter, followed by AUDREY, who leads them to the oven.)  
  
Narrator 2: (as STORM makes cookies) But Austin got tired of making cookies, so he and Audrey made out. (AUSTIN and AUDREY start making out.)  
  
Audrey: Oh, I'm so glad I forgot about that awful Jack Sparrow. You're so much hotter.  
  
Austin: Always and forever.  
  
Narrator 1: And Storm made cookies. 


	14. Jack Sparrow’s Deceit Continues and Gerd...

SCENE THIRTEEN- Jack Sparrow's Deceit Continues and Gerda Calls Kai on the Telephone  
  
(CUT TO: Psychedelically colored flowers swirling all over the place)  
  
Both Narrators: Pretty flowers, ooh...  
  
Jack Sparrow: (voice over) I think I drank too much rum...  
  
Narrator 2: Jack Sparrow was hallucinating flowers again. After trying to go out with Princess Leia, and Princess Leia was falling for it, but he really just wanted to be the prince.  
  
(CUT TO: HERMIA, GINNY, KIM and GERDA in their secret attic clubhouse.)  
  
Narrator 2: Meanwhile, in their secret clubhouse,  
  
Narrator 1: Hermia and Ginny were stretching. (HERMIA and GINNY stretch.)  
  
Narrator 2: Kim had an idea of how Gerda could talk to Kai.  
  
Kim: I have an idea of how you can talk to Kai. (to GERDA)  
  
Gerda: Really? What is it?  
  
Kim: (dramatically) The telephone! (strikes a pose)  
  
Gerda: (gasps) What's that?  
  
Kim: I already explained it to you, remember? I have one at my duplex where I live with Audrey and Jack Sparrow, cause they're going out, and I ignore them. Come on, girls, let's go! Gerda's going to call Kai on the telephone.  
  
(KIM and GERDA stand up, but HERMIA and GINNY keep stretching)  
  
Narrator 1: But Ginny and Hermia didn't want to go, they wanted to stretch.  
  
(CUT TO: KIM and GERDA walking up the stairs in KIM's house and into the room where AUDREY and AUSTIN are making out.)  
  
Gerda: Where's your telephone?  
  
Kim: It's up here. (they enter the room where AUDREY and AUSTIN are making out and gasp when they see them.) Oh! Audrey, what are you doing?  
  
Gerda: What are you doing? I thought you were going out with Jack Sparrow!  
  
Audrey: No. He went out with Monica and Princess Leia.  
  
Kim and Gerda: NO WAY.  
  
Audrey: So now I'm going out with Austin Powers.  
  
Kim and Gerda: NO WAY.  
  
Kim: I thought Storm was going out with Austin Powers.  
  
Audrey: (to AUSTIN) You're going out with Storm? (slaps him)  
  
Narrator 1: But Austin didn't think he deserved that one, because he wasn't Jack Sparrow.  
  
Narrator 2: So he just left. (AUSTIN leaves.)  
  
Gerda: (looking at the telephone) So how do you use this gosh darn telephone?  
  
Kim: (explaining patiently) Well, you dial the little numbers and talk into the receiver.  
  
Gerda: What if I don't know the number?  
  
Kim: You do.  
  
Gerda: (dials the number) 273-4228. (phone rings) Hello? Can I talk to Kai please?  
  
Grandmother: (over the phone, just her voice) Who is this?  
  
Gerda: (into phone) It's Gerda, Grandmother.  
  
Grandmother: (over the phone, just her voice) Oh! Hello, Gerda. Just a second.  
  
Kai: (over the phone, just his voice) Hi, Gerda.  
  
Gerda: (into phone) Hi, Kai.  
  
Narrator 2: They talked for a while.  
  
(CUT TO: ELLE sitting by a pool)  
  
Elle: I'm bored. I'll go swimming. (sees ODETTE is in the pool) Why is there a swan in the pool? Oh well. (jumps in the pool)  
  
Narrator 1: So Elle went swimming. 


	15. PenelopeAnn and Penelope are Two Differe...

SCENE FOURTEEN- Penelope-Ann and Penelope are Two Different People. Get It Straight or Penelope-Ann Will Hit You Over the Head With Her Pogo Stick.  
  
(CUT TO: KIM, GERDA and AUDREY in AUDREY and KIM's house.)  
  
Kim: I'm going to call my friend Penelope-Ann. Not Penelope. Penelope- Ann. There is a difference. (dials the phone)  
  
Audrey: Really? I didn't know there was a difference.  
  
Kim: (singing, on the phone with PENELOPE-ANN) Hi Penelope-Ann!  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone, singing, just her voice) Hi Kim!  
  
Kim: (singing) What's the story, morning glory?  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone, singing) What's the tale, nightingale?  
  
Kim: (singing) Have you heard about Ginny and Harry?  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) Yeah, actually.  
  
Kim: (on phone) Yeah. They got married, you know.  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) I know.  
  
Kim: (on phone) So what have you been doing, Penelope-Ann?  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) Pogo-sticking! Aah! (freaks out over pogo- sticking) It's the most fun thing in the world!  
  
Kim: (on phone) Are you going out with Harvey, or is Deborah Sue still?  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) No, Deborah Sue is, cause I hit Harvey over the head with my pogo stick.  
  
Kim: (on phone, astounded) WHY?  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) He called me Penelope.  
  
Kim: (on phone) Oh. Well, how's Hugo doing?  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) He's doing fine, I guess. He's sad you had to go back to boarding school.  
  
Kim: (on phone) This isn't even a boarding school. I wanna go meet up with Hugo again. (is suddenly sad and starts crying) Whahh, I miss Hugo.  
  
Gerda: Use the telephone. That's what you told me to do.  
  
Kim: Sometimes it's just not the same.  
  
Gerda: Do you stare at his picture?  
  
Kim: Every day.  
  
Gerda: While talking on the telephone?  
  
Kim: It just wasn't the same.  
  
Gerda: Gosh, that's gotta be rough.  
  
Kim: I'm not that obsessed. (cries)  
  
Audrey: You guys have very interesting conversations.  
  
Narrator 2: Storm came down from baking cookies. (STORM enters with cookies.)  
  
Storm: I'm done making cookies. I'm going to go back to the half of a duplex I share with Paris and Austin now.  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) Bye!  
  
Narrator 1: Penelope-Ann had been listening to that whole conversation.  
  
Narrator 2: Audrey didn't tell Storm she and Austin Powers had been making out.  
  
Kim: (on phone, to PENELOPE-ANN) I gotta go, Penelope-Ann. Have fun on your pogo stick.  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) Will do.  
  
Kim: (on phone) Meet up with Conrad.  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) Okay.  
  
Kim: (on phone) Deborah Sue's brother Conrad.  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) I know.  
  
Kim: (on phone) Then you can piss off Deborah Sue.  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) I know.  
  
Kim: (on phone) Bye.  
  
Penelope-Ann: (over phone) Bye. (KIM hangs up the phone.) 


	16. Random Insanity

SCENE FIFTEEN- Random Insanity  
  
(CUT TO: SERENA being taught the piano by PARIS. SERENA is playing scales.)  
  
Paris: Very good, Serena. You're improving on the piano.  
  
(CUT TO: JANET lying on her bed. The lights are NOT filtered red. Bet I had you fooled there. Yeah right.)  
  
Janet: I miss Brad. And Frankie. And Rocky. I'm so sad. I still miss them because I stopped going out with Austin Powers cause he was a womanizing creep just like he thought I was but I went out with him anyway... (sighs)  
  
(magically, AUDREY, KIM, GERDA, and ELLE appear in JANET's room.)  
  
Kim: Janet!  
  
Janet: Dr. Scott!  
  
Kim: Who???  
  
Janet: Oh, never mind...  
  
Gerda: Janet!  
  
Janet: Gerda!  
  
Audrey: Elle!  
  
(ELLE looks at AUDREY.)  
  
Kim: Janet!  
  
Janet: Kim!  
  
Gerda: Janet!  
  
Janet: Gerda!  
  
Audrey: Elle!  
  
(ELLE looks at AUDREY.)  
  
Kim: Janet!  
  
Janet: Kim!  
  
Gerda: Janet!  
  
Janet: Gerda!  
  
Audrey: Elle!  
  
(ELLE looks at AUDREY.) 


	17. Princess Mia's Evil Plan

SCENE SIXTEEN- Princess Mia's Evil Plan  
  
(CUT TO: PRINCESS MIA in a gazebo typing on a computer.)  
  
Narrator 2: Princess Mia was sad because she wasn't the queen. So she decided to formulate an evil plan. (PRINCESS MIA's computer in the gazebo makes typing noises.) Princess Mia made an evil plan to kill Princess Leia so she, Princess Mia, could be the queen instead of Princess Leia being the queen.  
  
Narrator 1: But then Storm overheard the typing noises! (STORM walks past the castle and hears PRINCESS MIA typing, so she sneaks up to the gazebo and watches PRINCESS MIA type.)  
  
Storm: Oh my goodness, what is she typing?  
  
Narrator 2: She snuck to the gazebo and watched.  
  
Storm: Oh my goodness, she's going to kill Princess Leia! I have to go warn Sailor Moon! (PRINCESS MIA notices STORM and goes to try and stop her)  
  
Princess Mia: NO! Don't do that! Come be evil with me!  
  
Storm: I've chosen a side, and I chose the side of good. Haha. (runs to SERENA's house, where SERENA is playing piano with PARIS.)  
  
Princess Mia: Grrr you.  
  
Narrator 2: And so Storm ran off to go tell Sailor Moon so they could go save the world. (STORM enters SERENA's house.) But Paris was there giving Serena a piano lesson.  
  
Storm: Hi, everyone! Princess Mia is going to try to kill Princess Leia so she can be the queen!  
  
Paris, Serena: GASP!  
  
Storm: I'm here to ask you guys if you'll help me save the world from Princess Mia trying to kill Princess Leia!  
  
(Music sounding suspiciously like the "Love Boat" song starts to play and SERENA transforms into SAILOR MOON. The music says "Sailor Moon!" about every three seconds so you can tell that it's Sailor Moon music instead of the "Love Boat" theme song.)  
  
Paris: Gasp! You're Sailor Moon! Even though I already knew that! Let's go save the world! (PARIS, SAILOR MOON, and STORM run over to PRINCESS MIA's house.)  
  
Sailor Moon: Just because you want to be the queen doesn't mean you can kill Princess Leia!  
  
Storm: You can't kill Princess Leia, Princess Mia!  
  
Paris: Instead you're going to go to jail!  
  
Narrator 2: So Monica's Porsche gave Princess Mia a ride to jail. Except for Princess Mia was too young to go to normal jail, so she went to juvie hall.  
  
(screen dissolves into a picture of PRINCESS MIA at juvie hall. There are six middle-school kids sitting on benches. It is assumed they are going to watch PRINCESS MIA's trial. The six kids are MAREN, JACK, JOI, BRYNNA, MICAELA, and JEN. Their teacher MRS. COBB is there too.)  
  
Jack: Hi, we're kids from Howard Street Charter School. We're on a field trip to juvie hall.  
  
Narrator 1: Don't get confused, that was Jack Freeman talking, not Jack Sparrow.  
  
Princess Mia: I'm being tried here. I guess you're watching my trial.  
  
Maren: Yep. I guess we are.  
  
Princess Mia: (eyes them suspiciously) Why do you guys remind me of people from Happyland?  
  
Micaela: Gee, I just don't know.  
  
Princess Mia: Okay. I'm going to sit here and be on trial now. (PRINCESS MIA sits at a table in front of the judges' podium thingy.)  
  
Joi: You do that.  
  
Brynna: Why isn't the judge here yet?  
  
Jen: I don't know.  
  
Mrs. Cobb: Here comes the judge! (JUDGE enters.)  
  
Judge: All rise. (everyone rises.) All seated. (everyone sits.) All rise. (everyone rises.) All seated. (everyone sits.) All rise. (everyone rises) All seated. (everyone sits. JUDGE sits at her podium thingy. JUDGE'S ASSISTANT enters with a folder.)  
  
Judge's Assistant: And now we have Princess Mia on trial for trying to kill Princess Leia. And having a Blood Alcohol Count of O.30.  
  
Jack: 0.30? That's a lot.  
  
Joi: No kidding.  
  
Jen: What was she drinking?  
  
Judge's Assistant: Her record shows she was drinking a half-gallon of vodka. Straight.  
  
Maren: Not even with ice or anything?  
  
Judge's Assistant: Not even in a martini.  
  
Brynna: Wow. I'm surprised she didn't DIE.  
  
Princess Mia: (groans.)  
  
Narrator 1: The trial ended. She was guilty. (PRINCESS MIA exits, being escorted into juvie by the JUDGE'S ASSISTANT.) So she went off to juvie.  
  
Judge: All rise. (everyone rises.) All seated. (everyone sits.) All rise. (everyone rises.) All seated. (everyone sits.) All rise. (everyone rises) All seated. (everyone sits.)  
  
Narrator 2: Then the judge left. (JUDGE exits.)  
  
Micaela: Why did she make us do that?  
  
Mrs. Cobb: I think she just liked being able to have that power over us.  
  
Narrator 2: So Maren, Joi, and Jack played the finger game. (MAREN, JOI and JACK play the finger game. If you have no idea what that is, don't worry, I don't know either.)  
  
Maren: Ooh, one.  
  
Joi: Darn it.  
  
Jack: You got me out.  
  
Narrator 2: And Micaela, Brynna and Jen talked about Grease.  
  
Jen: I love Grease.  
  
Micaela: I watched Grease like 10 times in one weekend once.  
  
Brynna: Wow. That must have been psycho.  
  
Narrator 1: And then Sandy appeared out of nowhere and started singing.  
  
(SANDY appears out of nowhere. JACK FREEMAN sings too.)  
  
Jack: Summer lovin', had me a blast.  
  
Sandy: Summer lovin', happened so fast.  
  
Jack: Met a girl, crazy for me.  
  
Sandy: Met a boy, cute as could be.  
  
Both: Summer days driftin' away, but oh, oh those summer nights.  
  
Narrator 2: Don't be confused. It was Jack Freeman singing. Not Jack Sparrow. Jack Freeman.  
  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn milking.)  
  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn milking at a different angle.)  
  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn milking at a different angle.)  
  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn milking at a different angle.)  
  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
  
(CUT TO: JANET in bed in the dark. Once again the lights are NOT filtered red. I bet I had you fooled there again. Or not. JANET wakes up, clearly startled. The entire bit at juvie hall was in JANET'S dream, and didn't really happen. I repeat, all of the stuff with the Howard St. kids didn't really happen. Haha.)  
  
Narrator 1: Janet realized that all of the stuff with the Howard St. people was a dream.  
  
Narrator 2: Princess Mia really did go to juvie hall, but the Howard St. people weren't really there watching her trial.  
  
Narrator 1: She was just having a bad dream.  
  
Narrator 2: About the Howard St. people watching Princess Mia's juvie hall trial.  
  
Janet: That was a crazy dream. (crying, startled) If only Brad, or Frankie, or Rocky were here! (she cries a lot.)  
  
Narrator 2: Janet was sad, because she missed her lovers. (she continues to cry) 


	18. Speaking of Lovers

SCENE SEVENTEEN- Speaking of Lovers...  
  
(CUT TO: HERMIA, GINNY, KIM and GERDA in their secret attic clubhouse.)  
  
Narrator 1: Speaking of lovers...  
  
Gerda: It was great to talk on the telephone with Kai.  
  
Narrator 2: Everyone decided they were bored and they tried to think of something to do.  
  
Hermia: Let's go find our boyfriends again.  
  
Kim: No, our parents will get mad at us if we run away from non-boarding school boarding school.  
  
Ginny: But I love Harry! I just got married to him!  
  
Gerda: Write him a letter.  
  
Kim: (excited) Or talk to him on the telephone!  
  
Ginny: You and your telephone talk. (rolls her eyes)  
  
Hermia: I wanna go see Lysander. (to KIM) And I bet you wouldn't mind going to go see Hugo.  
  
Gerda: And I sort of want to go see Kai. Even though I just talked to him.  
  
Narrator 2: So they decided to go visit their boyfriends really quickly.  
  
Hermia, Ginny, Kim, and Gerda: (speaking in perfect unison, really happy, as if having already gone to visit their boyfriends... that WAS really quick) We'll encircle the earth in forty minutes! 


	19. Princess Leia Comes to Her Senses

SCENE EIGHTEEN- Princess Leia Comes to Her Senses  
  
(CUT TO: PRINCESS LEIA and JACK SPARROW in the castle courtyard.)  
  
Narrator 2: Princess Leia decided she didn't really like Jack Sparrow any more.  
  
Narrator 1: She realized he was just using her to be royalty.  
  
Narrator 2: So she slapped him. (PRINCESS LEIA slaps JACK SPARROW.)  
  
Jack Sparrow: I think I might have deserved that one.  
  
Princess Leia: No frickin' kidding.  
  
Narrator 2: (contemplatively) He deserves a lot of the slaps he gets.  
  
Narrator 1: Shame, shame.  
  
Narrator 2: (as JACK SPARROW saunters without direction down the boulevard, stopping in front of JANET'S house, where JANET is outside, murmuring something to herself about how it's raining. It's not raining. However, it is sort of dark.) So Jack Sparrow went off.  
  
Jack Sparrow: (to JANET) Hi, Janet.  
  
Janet: Hi. Who are you?  
  
Jack Sparrow: (lying blatantly, but affecting a very "Brad" voice) I'm Brad.  
  
Janet: (falling for it, because she misses Brad just that much) Really?  
  
Jack Sparrow: Um, yeah. Sure. Let's go make out. (You would think that JANET would realize it wasn't Brad by that statement alone, but she doesn't.)  
  
Narrator 1: So they made out in the barn Tzeitel wasn't in milking.  
  
Narrator 2: Cause Janet thought that Jack Sparrow was her Brad darling.  
  
(CUT TO: ELLE sitting in her beach chair.)  
  
Narrator 2: Elle went to go swim. But instead of swimming she walked past the swimming pool.  
  
Narrator 1: Wow, shocker.  
  
Narrator 2: She stood on the front steps of her house that wasn't really her house, it was Janet's house, and she didn't pay any rent.  
  
Narrator 1: Then she decided to go in the barn and see if Tzeitel was there milking. It never occurred to her that Tzeitel was in the other barn.  
  
Narrator 2: Elle was very dense.  
  
Elle: (seeing JACK SPARROW and JANET, gasps) You guys are sleeping together in the haystacks!  
  
Janet: This is my fiancé Brad!  
  
Narrator 2: Dense as she was, even Elle knew that it was Jack Sparrow.  
  
Elle: No it isn't, it's Jack Sparrow.  
  
Janet: Ooh. (Slaps JACK SPARROW)  
  
Jack Sparrow: I think I deserved that too.  
  
Narrator 1: So Janet left, and Elle and Jack Sparrow went in the swimming pool and made out. (ELLE and JACK SPARROW go in the pool and make out. Once again, you can hear very faint sounds of people singing "Don't dream it, be it" over and over again.)  
  
Elle: I love you, Jack Sparrow.  
  
Jack Sparrow: I love you too, Elle Woods.  
  
Narrator 2: He was drunk.  
  
Narrator 1: And Odette the swan was there, and she was like, gasp! They're in the pool.  
  
Narrator 2: Everyone thought she was a lawn decoration, so they didn't care that she was there watching them.  
  
Odette: Gasp! They're making out! In the pool! 


	20. Sandy and Audrey Start a Club

SCENE NINETEEN- Sandy and Audrey Start a Club  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY putting her children to bed.)  
  
Sandy: (to CHANGELING BOY) Goodnight, Changeling Boy.  
  
(MONICA appears)  
  
Monica: His name is Jim-Bob!  
  
Sandy: No it's not. (MONICA disappears. To TOMMY) Goodnight, Tommy.  
  
Narrator 1: Tommy had no catchphrase.  
  
Sandy: (to MICHELLE) Goodnight, Michelle.  
  
Michelle: You got it, dude!  
  
Sandy: (looks at camera with an annoyed expression) That is getting really annoying...  
  
(CUT TO: SANDY sitting in her yard. AUDREY walks by.)  
  
Sandy: Hi, Audrey.  
  
Audrey: Hi, Sandy. What have you been up to?  
  
Sandy: I got dumped by Jack Sparrow and Austin Powers all within three days!  
  
(KIM, HERMIA, GINNY, GERDA and TZEITEL appear.)  
  
Kim, Hermia, Ginny, Gerda and Tzeitel: Three days!?!?!? Three days?!?! Out in three days?!?!? Etc. etc.  
  
Tzeitel: Those stupid Russians.  
  
(They disappear)  
  
Audrey: That was weird. Hey, I got dumped by Jack Sparrow and Austin Powers within three days too!  
  
(KIM, HERMIA, GINNY, GERDA and TZEITEL appear.)  
  
Kim, Hermia, Ginny, Gerda and Tzeitel: Three days!?!?!? Three days?!?! Out in three days?!?!? Etc. etc.  
  
Tzeitel: Those stupid Russians.  
  
(They disappear)  
  
Sandy: Okay, that was really weird.  
  
Audrey: Hey, let's start a club!  
  
Sandy: Yeah, let's!  
  
Audrey: A club for being dumped by Austin Powers and Jack Sparrow!  
  
Sandy: Yeah, that sounds great! We can meet at my picnic table!  
  
Narrator 2: And so they did.  
  
Narrator 1: They made a club for people who were dumped by both of the boys in Happyland.  
  
Narrator 2: All two of them.  
  
Audrey: There have to be more boys.  
  
Sandy: But there aren't!  
  
Narrator 2: So they sat at the picnic table and talked about their club.  
  
Sandy: Let's go convince Austin and Jack to dump more people.  
  
Audrey: Yeah! Then we can have more people in our club!  
  
Narrator 1: So Sandy and Audrey walked over to Storm's house, where Austin was at the moment. (SANDY and AUDREY walk over to STORM'S house, where AUSTIN is sitting.)  
  
Audrey: (to AUSTIN) You should go around dumping more people, so then we can have more people in our club.  
  
Austin: Groovy, baby.  
  
Sandy: You disgust me...  
  
Narrator 2: So they left. (SANDY and AUDREY leave.) They couldn't find Jack Sparrow, cause he was in the pool with Elle, but they didn't know that, so they went back to Sandy's house and talked about the club some more. (SANDY and AUDREY sit at SANDY'S picnic table.)  
  
Sandy: Blah, blah, blah.  
  
Audrey: Club, club, clob.  
  
Sandy: Clob?  
  
Audrey: Yes. Clob.  
  
(SANDY rolls her eyes.) 


	21. Janet's Shock Treatment That Has Nothing...

SCENE TWENTY- Janet's Shock Treatment (That Includes Nothing From "Shock Treatment", Cause I Haven't Seen It, But the Title Sounded Good.)  
  
(CUT TO: HERMIA, GINNY, KIM and GERDA in JANET'S attic. JANET is coming up the attic stairs.)  
  
Narrator 1: Janet heard rustling in her attic, so she went up to see what it was. She found the four of them talking about their boyfriends.  
  
Janet: (sees HERMIA, GINNY, KIM and GERDA) Why are you in my attic?  
  
Kim: We were just talking about our boyfriends. (sighs dreamily, as if thinking about her boyfriend HUGO.)  
  
Janet: Oh. I love that subject. (sighs nostalgically)  
  
Gerda: Really?  
  
Janet: Yeah. I miss my fiancé.  
  
Ginny: What was his name?  
  
Janet: His name was Brad.  
  
Hermia: Ooh, very cute name.  
  
Janet: And then there was Frankie. And Rocky. (tears up a little)  
  
Gerda: Who were Frankie and Rocky?  
  
Janet: Rocky is this guy I met at a castle, and Frankie was there too. (giggles) Actually, Frankie seduced me... but it was quite fun. (HERMIA, KIM, GINNY and GERDA look positively aghast at the mention of seduction, being pure little girls, but interested in general.)  
  
Kim: And then what happened?  
  
Janet: And then I went into the other room and saw Rocky, and he was hurt. So I healed his wounds... with fabric from my skirt.  
  
Ginny: Oh, goodness! (being the youngest of the four girls, she is more pure than the rest, and all of this talk proves to be a bit much for her, even though she is fourteen freaking years old)  
  
Janet: It was romantic.  
  
Hermia: This sounds like a very interesting story, Janet.  
  
Kim: Why don't you start at the very beginning.  
  
Gerda: And tell us EVERYTHING.  
  
Ginny: Yes.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: TELL US ABOUT IT, JANET!  
  
Narrator 2: Janet was a bit shocked by the déjà vu, but started at the very beginning of her story. (HERMIA, KIM, GINNY and GERDA all make themselves comfortable, as does JANET.)  
  
Janet: Okay. Well, it all started at my friend Betty Munroe's wedding. She got married to her longtime boyfriend Ralph Hapshatt, who just so happened to be my boyfriend Brad's best friend. After their wedding, which was a little boring, but oh, it was wonderful, and Betty looked radiantly beautiful... well, after their wedding, Brad proposed to me!  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny and Gerda: Oh, how romantic!  
  
Janet: He sang to me! He sang a song that he must have made up right on the spot, but it was so cute! And I sang back to him. After he gave me the ring, I looked at it, and I said, "Oh, it's nicer than Betty Munroe had!" and then there were these people dressed like the painting "American Gothic" who said, "Oh Brad!" And then I sang, (she sings) "Now we're engaged and I'm so glad." (she stops singing) And the caretakers said "Oh Brad!" again. And then I sang, (singing) "That you met mom and you know dad!" (stops singing) And the caretakers said "Oh Brad!" again. And then I sang, (sings) "I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too."  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (Sighing) Oh, how sweet!  
  
Janet: (sighs with romantic nostalgia) And we decided to go see the man who began it, our old science teacher Dr. Scott, because we met in his class and he was always a friend to the both of us. So later that night, Brad started to drive us to Dr. Scott's house. It was raining, and there were three motorcyclists that passed us. We came to a dead end and we started to turn around and go back the other way, but there was this bang. I said, "What was the bang?" And Brad realized our tire had a flat.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (Looking horrified) Oh, how perfectly awful!  
  
Janet: So we had to walk back to this castle we passed on the way to ask for help. In the rain! (HERMIA, KIM, GINNY and GERDA shudder) And the guy who answered the door didn't know it was raining. He was like, "You're wet," like it was some big surprise. And I was like, "Well, yes, it's raining!" And he invited us to come in. We had to use their telephone to call for help.  
  
Kim: (gets excited) Telephone? Telephone? Oh my God! Where!? (HERMIA and GINNY pull her back to her seat and shut her up so JANET can continue her story.)  
  
Janet: And then the guy who opened the door, his name was Riff-Raff, he said that the master of the house was having a party, and I was trying to be polite, so I said "Lucky him." But then this creepy lady, her name was Magenta, slid down the banister and said, "I'm lucky, he's lucky, you're lucky, we're all lucky!" and laughed like she was crazy. That was creepy...  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: Then wha' happened? (they say this like the guy from "A Mighty Wind", because they feel like it.)  
  
Janet: And they started singing and they danced. Then they took us in a room where there was a group of weird people, and they all sang. I don't exactly remember what happened after that... I passed out. But then my Brad darling revived me, and they danced. Something about a jump to the left and a step to the right... anyway, I passed out again. But then my Brad darling revived me again, and Magenta and Riff-Raff were singing, and then Riff-Raff offered us a donut. We declined politely. We were always very polite. But then I passed out again, because Riff-Raff said the 's' word. (GERDA, HERMIA, KIM and GINNY have wide eyes at that.)  
  
Gerda: Which 's' word?  
  
Hermia: Sex?  
  
Kim: Slut?  
  
Ginny: Sh*t? (She is accordingly bleeped out as GERDA, HERMIA and KIM look at her, positively aghast. Again.)  
  
Janet: No. Sedation.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp widely. Apparently, "sedation" is a very naughty word.)  
  
Narrator 2: They were all very astounded.  
  
Narrator 1: Cause they didn't like sedation.  
  
Janet: (continuing) So my Brad darling revived me again, and when I was revived, there was a girl on a jukebox and she sang too. And then she tap- danced and fell over, and they all danced some more. They pretended to pass out when they were done, and I told my Brad darling to "Say something."  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: What did he say?  
  
Janet: He asked them if they knew how to Madison.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: Did they?  
  
Janet: No. (HERMIA, KIM, GINNY and GERDA don't look particularly surprised.) And then this man came in from an elevator. He sang a song about himself being a "Sweet Transvestite". I passed out again. Cause he was a transvestite.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) A TRANSVESTITE?  
  
Janet: Yes, a transvestite. That was terrifying. That guy was Frankie. I sort of ended up liking him... but that's later. It was interesting, though. Really, all we wanted to do was use the telephone...  
  
Kim: (getting excited) Telephone? Telephone? Oh my God! Where!? (HERMIA and GINNY pull her into her seat and shut her up as JANET continues her story.)  
  
Janet: So then Magenta and Riff-Raff started undressing us and they handed our clothes to Columbia, that's the girl who was sitting on the jukebox, and she was a little interesting too... she really liked sparkles. And she flipped our clothes all over the floor, and then they took us up to Frankie's lab in only our underwear.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) ONLY YOUR UNDERWEAR?  
  
Janet: Only our underwear. And so they took us in our underwear up to the transvestite's laboratory, and in the laboratory Frankie started flirting. He asked Brad and I if we had any tattoos.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny and Gerda: (gasp) TATTOOS?  
  
Janet: But we don't have any tattoos, so it was all right. Frankie was making a man, and that man turned out to be Rocky. Rocky sang a song, and all he was wearing was a golden speedo. He had lots of muscles. (JANET blushes at the memory and sighs happily.) Then Frankie was all, "I just love success," and Riff-Raff was like, "He is a credit to your genius." And Magenta was all, "He is a triumph of your will." And Columbia was like, "He's okay!" And that really pissed off Frankie, so he asked me what I thought of Rocky, and I loved my Brad darling so much, I said, "I don't like men with too many muscles." So Frankie got mad, and he sang a song to Rocky. And then a guy named Eddie came out of a freezer on a motorcycle.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) A MOTORCYCLE?  
  
Janet: A motorcycle. And he sang about rock and roll. He was Columbia's boyfriend. But so was Frankie, so Frankie killed Eddie with an ice pick. (JANET doesn't really seem that disturbed by the situation, so HERMIA, KIM, GINNY and GERDA figure there is worse to come.)  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) FRANKIE KILLED EDDIE WITH AN ICE PICK?  
  
Janet: (she nods solemnly) And then Frankie continued to sing to Rocky, and before I knew it, I was singing too. I sang, "I'm a muscle fan!" My Brad darling didn't like that too much. And then we were put in separate rooms for the night.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) SEPARATE ROOMS?  
  
Janet: And then Frankie dressed up like Brad, and pretended he was Brad, and then he... (starts crying, although we're not sure if it's cause she missed Brad or Frankie) He...  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: What did he do?  
  
Janet: He... HE SEDUCED ME!  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny and Gerda: (gasp) HE SEDUCED YOU?  
  
Janet: He seduced me. (quietly, slightly shamefully) It really wasn't that bad... but I felt so bad when we were done, I went up to the lab in the elevator, because that's the only place the elevator went to. And I discovered that Frankie had seduced my Brad darling too! (HERMIA, KIM, GINNY and GERDA gasp again, at a loss for words this time.) I felt so betrayed. And then Rocky was hurt, so I used part of my slip to heal his wounds. But then I sort of seduced Rocky. In a tank. I sang about it.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) YOU AND ROCKY DID IT IN A TANK WHILE SINGING?  
  
Janet: It's not something I'm proud of... although, I did sort of enjoy it. (continues her story) Then Frankie discovered us, and Brad discovered us. And then Dr. Scott came!  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: The very same Dr. Scott you meant to visit?  
  
Janet: (sarcastically) No, the other Dr. Scott. Of course the same Dr. Scott. And he was Eddie's uncle. So we all went and had dinner in the middle of the night. But then we found out that we were having Eddie for dinner.  
  
Ginny: (cluelessly) But Eddie died. How could you have him as a dinner guest?  
  
Janet: No, Ginny, not as a guest. I mean, we were eating Eddie for dinner.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) YOU ATE EDDIE?  
  
Janet: Much as it pains me to admit it, yes, they cooked Eddie. And then we sang a song about Eddie. Then Frankie pulled away the tablecloth and revealed Eddie's body under the table. I screamed, and then Frankie got mad at me for taking Rocky away from him, and Frankie chased me up the stairs in an angry fit of rage and sang a song. Brad and Dr. Scott found their way up to the laboratory too, where Frankie eventually chased me. Then he used this thing called a Transducer to stick us to the floor, and we all yelled at him, and then he used this thing called a Medusa switch to turn us into statues, and he turned Columbia and Rocky into statues too, cause Columbia got all pissed off at him, and I don't know why he turned Rocky into a statue, but he did.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: And then what did you do?  
  
Janet: And then we had a Floorshow! Frankie dressed me, Brad, Rocky and Columbia in corsets and fishnets and high heels and feather boas that weren't really feathery and put a bunch of makeup on us, and then one by one we sang as he turned us into non-statues. I sang my solo last, and it was great.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: What did you sing?  
  
Janet: Okay, this is what I sang. (sings) "I feel released, bad times deceased, my confidence has increased, reality is here! The game has been disbanded, my mind has been expanded, it's a gas that Frankie's landed, his lust is so sincere!"  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) You said the 'l' word!  
  
Janet: What 'l' word? (HERMIA, KIM, GINNY, and GERDA look at each other as if to say, who ought to tell her? Finally, HERMIA speaks up.)  
  
Hermia: You know... (whispers) LUST.  
  
Janet: Oh. (giggles) Yes, there was a lot of that going on in the castle that night. I was for Brad, and for Frankie, and for Rocky, and Frankie was for Rocky, and for me, and I think for Brad, and Rocky was for Frankie, and for me, and Columbia was for Eddie, and for Frankie, and Riff-Raff was for Magenta, and Magenta was for Riff-Raff... even though they were brother and sister.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (gasp) You mean, they were having INCEST?  
  
Janet: Yes. They were. So anyway, then Frankie sang, and we all jumped in a pool and sang, and Dr. Scott talked... he didn't have on a corset or a boa, but he did have fishnets and high heels... that was a little disturbing. And then we all got out of the pool and sang some more, and we danced too. But then Riff-Raff and Magenta came (you can see looks of "Ewww... they're incestuous" on HERMIA, KIM, GINNY and GERDA'S faces as Riff-Raff and Magenta are mentioned) with golden space suits and a laser, and they killed Columbia, and Frankie, and Rocky... (starts crying. GERDA comforts her)  
  
Gerda: It's okay, just keep talking when you're ready...  
  
Janet: (sniffles) All right, I'm fine. I don't think they really died, anyway. Something just tells me they can't be dead! It would be too heartbreaking. And then Riff-Raff and Magenta made me and my Brad darling and Dr. Scott leave the castle, and they beamed the entire castle back to their home planet of Transsexual in the galaxy of Transylvania. And we were stranded in the middle of nowhere in ripped corsets and fishnets and with streaked makeup and we sang... we found our way home though. Back to Denton.  
  
Hermia, Kim, Ginny, and Gerda: (all in sniffles cause of JANET'S touching story) Oh, how sweet...  
  
Hermia: Hey, do you want to be in our club?  
  
Janet: Sure! (she brightens at this, for no reason at all)  
  
Kim: Will you tell us the story again?  
  
Ginny: Yeah, teach us the songs you sang!  
  
Gerda: Do you remember any of the dances?  
  
Janet: All right, I'll tell you again.  
  
Narrator 1: So she told them again and again, every time in more detail. She taught them the songs and dances she could remember, and all of the lines she could remember too.  
  
Narrator 2: And they were happy, and Hermia, Kim, Ginny and Gerda had Janet in their club, and they all told their stories in depth too: Hermia's of fairies and forests and lovers; Kim's of the teen rockstar Conrad Birdie nearly kissing her on TV; Ginny's of her years at wizarding school; and Gerda's of traipsing across mythical lands to save Kai from the Snow Queen.  
  
Narrator 1: And so they all went around, quoting each other's stories, and confusing the rest of Happyland to no end.  
  
Narrator 2: It was great fun. 


	22. Finishing the Story! YaYa

SCENE TWENTY-ONE- Finishing The Story! Ya-Ya.  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL in the barn milking.)  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL at a different angle in the barn milking.)  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL at a different angle in the barn milking.)  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
(CUT TO: TZEITEL at a different angle in the barn milking.)  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel was in the barn milking.  
(CUT TO: Psychedelically colored flowers swirling around.)  
Both Narrators: Pretty flowers, ooh...  
Jack Sparrow: (voice over) I think I've drunk too much rum again...  
(CUT TO: PARIS giving SERENA and STORM piano lessons.)  
Narrator 1: Storm finished her piano lesson.  
Narrator 2: Cause Storm was taking piano lessons from Paris too.  
Narrator 1: And Serena finished her piano lesson.  
Narrator 2: And she and Rini sat there. (SERENA and RINI sit there.)  
Narrator 1: And Paris left. (PARIS leaves.)  
Narrator 2: And so did Storm. (STORM leaves.) They went back to their  
house.  
(CUT TO: AUSTIN leaving STORM and PARIS'S house, and going to MONICA'S.)  
Narrator 1: Austin left Storm's house. He went to Monica's house.  
Narrator 2: He liked it.  
Narrator 1: And he liked Monica.  
Narrator 2: So, predictably,  
Narrator 1: Austin and Monica made out in the Porsche. (AUSTIN and MONICA  
make out in the PORSCHE.)  
(Screen dims to black as the last couple of lines are said.)  
Narrator 1: And now, we close our tale of endless...  
Narrator 2: Randomness. 


	23. Curtain Call

SCENE TWENTY-TWO- Curtain Call  
  
(screen remains black.)  
  
Both Narrators: (shouting at the tops of their lungs) DEMETRIUS! STEP FORWARD! (there is mad applause in the background as screen brightens to show the entire cast in a pretty little line.) (CUT TO: CLOSE UP: PUNK HELLO KITTY steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 1: Punk Hello Kitty! She was friends with dead punk Ashley.  
  
(THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT'S carriage steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 2: The Queen of the Night's carriage! It took the Queen of the Night to Barbados.  
  
(MONICA'S Porsche steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 1: Monica's Porsche! It drove people places.  
  
(MONICA'S carriage steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 2: Monica's carriage! It belonged to her dead Uncle Sam.  
  
(CUPCAKE'S cart steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 1: Cupcake's cart! It was used by Cupcake to pull around Sammy.  
  
(ODETTE steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 2: Odette, the swan princess! She hung out with Sammy and Cupcake!  
  
(CUPCAKE steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 1: Cupcake! She pulled Sammy around in her cart.  
  
(SAMMY steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 2: Sammy, the fattest cat in the world! He was a fat pompous British cat sitting on a mat with a rat wearing a hat with a bat.  
  
(TOMMY steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 1: Tommy! He had no catchphrase.  
  
(MICHELLE steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 2: Michelle! She said "You got it, dude!"  
  
(THE CHANGELING BOY steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 1: The Changeling Boy! He was hardly in this at all.  
  
(RINI steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 2: Rini! She moved to the big-kids class, but was baby-sat by Monica!  
  
(THE QUEEN OF THE NIGHT steps forward.)  
  
Narrator 1: The Queen of the Night! She went to Barbados.  
  
(SERENA steps forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Serena! She got piano lessons from Paris and saved the world.  
  
(PARIS steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Paris! She taught Serena how to play the piano and saved the world.  
  
(STORM steps forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Storm! She dated Austin Powers, made cookies, and saved the world.  
  
(MONICA steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Monica! She baby-sat Rini and fell in love with Jack Sparrow and Austin Powers!  
  
(PRINCESS MIA steps forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Princess Mia! She went to juvie for trying to kill Princess Leia.  
  
(PRINCESS LEIA steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Princess Leia! She was the ruler of Happyland and went out with Jack Sparrow.  
  
(MARY-KATE and ASHLEY in ghost for step forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Dead Mary-Kate and Ashley!  
  
Narrator 1: Dead Mary-Kate haunted Austin.  
  
Narrator 2: And dead Ashley went punk.  
  
(SANDY steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Sandy! She was dumped by Austin and started a club with Audrey.  
  
(AUDREY steps forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Audrey! She was dumped by Jack Sparrow and Austin and started a club with Sandy.  
  
(AUSTIN steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Austin Powers! He seduced lots of women.  
  
(GERDA steps forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Gerda! She was not Rini's babysitter, called Kai on the telephone, and was Jan in the new Pink Ladies!  
  
(HERMIA steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Hermia! She missed Lysander and was Marty in the new Pink Ladies!  
  
(GINNY steps forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Ginny! She married Harry, and was Frenchie in the new Pink Ladies!  
  
(KIM steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Kim! She loved the telephone, and was Rizzo in the new Pink Ladies!  
  
(ELLE steps forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Elle! She and Jack Sparrow made out in a pool.  
  
(TZEITEL steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Tzeitel! She was always in the barn milking. Except for right now.  
  
(JANET steps forward)  
  
Narrator 2: Janet! She told her entire story to Hermia, Kim, Ginny and Gerda repeatedly and made out with Jack Sparrow!  
  
(JACK SPARROW steps forward)  
  
Narrator 1: Jack Sparrow! He seduced lots of women also.  
  
Narrator 2: And the Howard Street scene...  
  
(JACK, JOI, MAREN, JEN, BRYNNA, MICAELA, MRS. COBB, the JUDGE, and the JUDGE'S ASSISTANT step forward.)  
  
Narrator 1: Jack, Joi, Maren, Jen, Brynna, Micaela, Mrs. Cobb, the Judge, and the Judge's Assistant! They were there in Janet's bad juvie hall dream.  
  
Narrator 2: Yay for them.  
  
(screen goes black)  
  
Narrator 1: (breathy and trancey) Please return your seats to their full upright positions.  
  
Narrator 2: (breathy and trancey) The captain has prepared to land.  
  
Narrator 1: (breathy and trancey) We hope you have enjoyed your flight.  
  
Narrator 2: (breathy and trancey) Please come again soon! 


End file.
